Scattered
by Katianna
Summary: As lives scatter to the winds, Mal tries to hold on. But to take what Serenity offers, means to lose something else…


**Scattered**

**By Roguish Smile**

o

Category: Angst / AU

Pairing: Implied Mal/Inara, obviously Zoe/Wash

Content Warnings: Angst and death (!) 

Rating: PG

Summary: As lives scatter to the winds, Mal tries to hold on. But to take what Serenity offers, means to lose something else…

Disclaimer: Firefly belongs to Joss Wheddon, and he's fought darn hard for it too.

Authors Notes: Some people will follow this story and understand exactly what I'm getting at by the end. Some people won't. Some people will get to the end and go: huh? I suspect those people won't enjoy it quite so much. If you get to the end and are annoyed/frustrated, flame me. It's damn cold here at the moment and I could do with the warmth. If you're curious what I'm getting at, leave an email address and I will explain all. I'd also welcome feedback (what author wouldn't).

All dialoguifying and beta-ing was done by Ross, who rocks. (haha! Pun) Thankies Ross!

o

"No, Zoe. No!" He'd begged, he'd pleaded, he'd shouted and prayed. But there was only so much he could do - and with their doctor laying dead on the field already… "No." His voice sounded weak and insignificant, up against a world… a valley of emptiness that held no kindness for him. Even anger couldn't stop eternity from rolling on. It might make him feel better though.

He leaned forward to put more pressure on Zoe's wound, the flow of blood already slowing, and tried not to fall asleep as night closed in. Tried not to visit that place the mind goes when reality becomes too much to bear.

They'd discovered them.

Learned who they were, one by one. Their names, their lives, their whole history. Divide and conquer, just like… No, don't think about it.

They'd already known Simon and River much too well, but for a while he'd hoped that would be all. The feds knew it to be a firefly had stolen the Tams out from under their grasp, but there were more'n a few fireflies in the system to be getting along with, quite a few less reputable than Serenity.

When they finally linked them to Serenity… well, by then, it was much too late. Serenity gave them Mal, Zoe, Wash and Kaylee. Their attached Companion, Inara. Before long they even got Jayne's name out of the not-quite paper trail left in the ships wake, Jayne being known some to the law.

When even Book's name went down on the wanted posters, there was nothing more to do.

So they had scattered, gone their separate ways.

River and Simon had been left on some arse-end planet out away from the core, with the trade of medical aid for the local's silence.

_"Thank you, for everything you've done for us. If we hadn't…"_

_"You take care of her, understand?" Already knew he would, but he wasn't going to let him go in to all that. There were more important things. "It shouldn't oughta have been for nothin'." He made it an order, so as not to feel quite so out of control._

_"I will."_

It had taken quite a few near-misses to find a planet with small-enough Alliance presence. But there were settlements out there would kill to have a doctor. To stay silent was nothing to them, silence being a plentiful commodity out on the rim.

Jayne they had left unconscious in a bar, his good-bye party (and the resulting brawl, something about a bar tab?) being one to remember. Or not, they'd all had that much to drink. When they got together that morning and Book had just… disappeared… they didn't think too much on it other than to wish the Shepherd a silent goodbye and go on their way.

_"Do y'… do y' think he's alright?"_

_"He took himself, Kaylee. Dong ma? He wasn't snatched, he just up and left. " Try not to sound angry at the man, that won't help matters none. "Most likely 'bout the time Wash started singing Jayne's song." He had known the shepherd was going to leave, like all the others… just expected him to say goodbye first. To Kaylee at the very least._

_"Where d'ya think he'll go?"_

_"Maybe he was never here." It was such a River thing to say, they both looked at Inara as though she'd grown another head for a minute. "Maybe he just went back to the Abbey." She added quickly, shrugging._

Reality dropped back into place, and they all sighed and went about their business in a ship they were sure had never been so quiet, never felt quite so empty before their passengers had come on board, not two months back.

Inara… his sweet Inara. She was going to have to work on the quiet if she wanted to stay out of the Alliance's way. They couldn't do anything to her if they caught her, not if she didn't know where they all were, but it didn't mean she wouldn't find it twice as hard to find work with her name tagged on the Alliance fugitives list. They'd left her on Persephone, to join whichever cruiser looked to offer her the best opportunities for her trade. He'd even managed to call it 'her trade', and she'd smiled, softly, her eyes betraying her regret. Too late.

_"You've changed, Mal, you grew up. When did that happen?" There weren't nothing to say to that. Nothing at all. He'd cracked a joke, made her smile. Tried not to notice that she was crying when she turned to go. Tried harder to ignore that maybe he wasn't so dry-eyed himself. He had to let her go, couldn't miss something he'd already lost, something had never been his._

Kaylee had found another firefly on Persephone and followed Inara out, having said her farewells to every part of the ship she could reach. She took her sign from over her cabin door. He couldn't help thinking it looked so desperately sad and cold without it. To think he'd laughed when first she'd hung it up.

_"How much of my ship do you mean to take with you, Kaylee." She looked unreasonably guilty as she span around, hands behind her back out of sight._

_He had been joking, but now he was curious._

_"None that ain't mine, cap'n." She replied quickly, and when her hands appeared from round her back they were empty._

_"You go on now, Kaylee. Those folks are waiting for you to come talk to their ship. Serenity'll do just fine without you."_

_"She won't, y'know. She'll need a new engineer, and soon. You can't run her without. The compression coil needed replacin' about three weeks ago." She fixed him with a stare. "You'll take good care of her, won't ya?"_

It had taken hours to coax her away from the ship, with promises of the care he was going to give the gorram ship while she was gone. As if he didn't have enough to do. He wondered sometimes if she cared more for the ship than she did for the people aboard it. It didn't make him feel any better about missing her presence every time he turned a corner on the ship. He started coming across the notes she'd left scattered around a few days later. Hidden in drawers, behind access panels, in the pockets of his clothes. Scribbled jokes, smiley faces, old photographs. Sometimes he tried not to cry, sometimes he didn't bother.

Wash and Zoe, hand in hand, had gone looking for a new home, a new family. Wash had set them down on a quiet planet and picked up the bags that already packed and waiting for them in the hold. Mal had given them the mule, and made sure they both had money to be getting started with.

_"Sir…" Zoe had hesitated on that word, something unreadable in her eyes. Wash had driven the mule out onto the dusty ground outside and was sat with his eyes fixed to the horizon, giving them their privacy._

_"Everything to be said's been said, Zoe. You just take care."_

_"I've been thinking on buying a ship, Sir. My own piece of freedom." It came out all at once, as though she was guilty of the thought._

Strange, but he couldn't see her giving orders even though he knew she'd be so good at it. She'd always been his subordinate. And now… now she wasn't… There wasn't nobody any more.

_"That'd be shiny." He said at last._

_"Not much is gonna be shiny after this, Cap'n. Not for a time." And it was true, so true. Made him think of so many other things. So many other times and places._

_"Feels like you're all dying, with me only one left to say goodbye." He hadn't meant to say it, but somehow it seemed that Zoe was the only one who'd understand._

_"We'll see you again, Capt'n. This isn't the end of anything. 'specially not us."_

_"Aw, Zoe. I didn't know there was an 'us'." A frown, Zoe didn't want humour right now, she wanted to say goodbye, do things right._

_"We'll see you again, Captain. Fang xin." And then she saluted, and left him alone. With Serenity._

Just him and Serenity.

o

There was one thing about Serenity Valley that had always kept Malcolm Reynolds alive. He was never alone. There were people relying on him, people he had to look over. And he couldn't do that if he were dead.

They say you never leave Serenity Valley. Those as fought there will never forget. Sergeant Reynolds looked about him reality blurring with memories and mixing with that other place the mind goes when reality is much too harsh. He looked about at the scattered remains of those who had once been living, at the scattered remains of life, the tatters of independence.

The field medic and nurse that had shipped in together, both much too young, all wide-eyed and nervous. He'd told Zoe they wouldn't last the week, boy looked like some fancy gorram surgeon from the core and as for the nurse? Well, she did have an oddness to her, one hard to place. But they'd been saving lives before he'd finished the prediction, and moving across the battlefield like old veterans a few weeks later. Killed by the same shell they lay side by side just atop the barricade, still saving lives with every round stayed by their motionless forms.

A broad muscled man, one of thousands of soldiers who had ended up under his command by accident when the chaos brought on by a losing side took more'n more officers away from their ranks, lay to his right, failed by another officer. He was holding his gun as a lover would, he'd even given it some damn fool girls name. Just one in a long line of the failed - he'd stopped counting when his original troupe of thirty had hit the hundreds, and it was much bigger now, takin' up almost six trenches 'cross the valley. He would've kept a list if they didn't all keep dying on him.

A soldier lay slumped over the path into the barricade and only a good long look identified him as one of theirs through the mud. Greying hair, and that was unusual enough in these ranks that Mal knew who it was. Book. He didn't think it was his real name, but he knew so few of those that it didn't make no difference. Named for the bible he carried with him, and sat reading in those moments he wasn't fighting for his life, and the independence they all had rights to.

The little mechanic and the pilot, unfortunate victims of circumstance, on his left. They should have never ended up here. Their transport, bringing in supplies to the failing and besieged ranks, shot down despite the fancy flying. Dropping the two civilians into their laps with no field experience and a whole lot of innocence. He felt cold and hard when he realised he was grateful the girl had died before too much of that innocence had been taken from her.

Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to look down at the weight in his lap, even now losing the heat of life.

_Zoe. Gorram-it, Zoe! We were s'posed to come out of this together. You were going to find a man, make a family. Make the world your own. I was just gonna… find some peace._

But she had left him alone. Alone… with Serenity. No one relying, no one to look out for… no one but Serenity. And _she_ didn't care none if he lived or died. A callous love, Serenity. Offering what can only be given by taking something away.

_Peace._

Inara. My sweet 'Nara. How I have dreamed of you.

_Peace._

Mal smiled up at the dark-haired woman, all dressed in finery that looked so outta place in this world, in this place. She offered him her hand.

_Peace_.

Serenity gave her last gift, and took one final life.


End file.
